TV Shows Written by Baboons

There's a scenario I'd like to discuss with you today, class.

Our scenario begins with a room containing a set of stairs. At the top of the stairs is a banana.

We then add six baboons to the room.

If at any time any of the baboons goes up the stairs to get the banana, all six baboons are instantly pummelled by water from fire hoses.

Baboons are not stupid, well not completely. They will eventually learn to not go up the stairs. In fact, in short order all six will learn that going up the stairs is a very bad thing for everyone in the room.

Next, we replace one of the baboons with a new baboon. This newbie will instantly head to the stairs to get the banana. However, we won't have to turn on the fire hoses on this guy, because the entire troop of baboons will turn on him, pound on him and do whatever it takes to prevent him from going up the stairs.

Now we have five baboons who all experienced the fire hoses, and one who knows it's best for his survival that he stay away from the stairs.

Similarly, as we replace the original baboons, each newcomer will learn that stairs are bad. In fact, baboon #6 will be taking part in beating the newbies because, well because he can.

Once we have replaced all of the original baboons, we are left with a complete troop who have been trained by other baboons to not go up the stairs even if they don't know the real reason why.

So, what does this have to do with TV? Case in point: THE SIMPSONS.

THE SIMPSONS was brilliant in it's first five years. But over the course of time, the show began losing the core group of writers responsible for that brilliance. One by one, they were replaced by people who had seen the show, but not been part of its creation. The replacements thought they knew the show, but in truth, only knew it from the surface. Only the originators knew the characters beyond what was seen on the screen.

The result was a slow turn away from the show's original path, and ultimately a drop in quality. This was magnified when the second wave of creative folks gave way to a third wave, who knew the characters even less since they were trained by people who didn't know the characters as well as the originators.

Thus, by season 13, THE SIMPSONS was being written by baboons who had no idea why they weren't supposed to go up the stairs.

Fortunately for THE SIMPSONS, the show has started regrouping and calling some of the show's original writers back into the fold.

Unfortunately for shows like GILMORE GIRLS, there won't be fifteen years in which the cycle will be able to come full circle.

So, there it is. When I say that a show is written by baboons, I'm not calling the writers idiots. It's not their fault they're not as good as the first troop. They just don't know any better.

Uber-scribe Tim Minear Joins STANDOFF

Hollywoodreporter.com reports:

"..Fox confirmed that production on the series was suspended this week in order to let the writers "catch up," according to a network spokesman.

The production hiatus also will allow Tim Minear, who has come aboard STANDOFF as a consulting producer, to get up to speed. Minear has been tapped to help with day-to-day operations on the show that will continue to be run by Craig Silverstein."

Hmmm.....

Tim Minear's writing credits include LOIS AND CLARK (5 episodes), THE X-FILES (2 eps & executive story editor), ANGEL (18 episodes and served as a consulting producer), FIREFLY (4 of the show's 13 eps and executive producer) and WONDERFALLS (2 of the show's 13 eps).

He is nothing short of a brilliant wordsmith - unfortunately, he seems to have a history of showing up just in time for shows to get cancelled. Further, he worked with Silverstein on THE INSIDE which lasted all of 7 episodes last summer.

While THE INSIDE was crap, I'm hoping against hope that the fact that Minear and Silverstein have worked together before is good news. Reading between the lines, it sounds like Silverstein was maybe missing production deadlines - or was frighteningly close to doing so. Bringing in a vet like Minear - and an old partner - could help the production efforts, and hopefully we'll get to see a script or two from Tim as well.

I'm already enjoying STANDOFF. Unfortunately, last night it held only 55 percent of its HOUSE lead-in. That's not good. When the show returns after THE WORLD SERIES, it will lead off the night and go head to head with DANCING WITH CELEBRITIES. It's not going to get any easier for this one.

Minear has a delicious dark streak in his writing. I can't wait to see how he influences upcoming episodes.

Studio 60: Sorkin's Prejudice is Showing

Aaron Sorkin may be one of the best writers in TV right now - but if he doesn't get the chip off his shoulders about Christianity and Red States, his new STUDIO 60 is in danger of alienating a large percentage of his viewing audience.

This week, Mr. Sorkin drummed up a Red State boycott based on potentially offensive content on his sketch comedy show. Twice during the episode characters ran down a list of stations electing not to carry that week's episode. In each case, the words "Pine Bluff-Little Rock" were spoken with unnecessary disdain.

Sorkin seems to be under the impression that Little Rock, Arkansas is a tiny hick town filled with bible thumpers that control what the population thinks. He forgets that the state capitol city launched Bill Clinton to prominence and is the home of his presidential library.

Pine Bluff on the other hand, was once the home of an incredible triple threat - the state penitentiary, a paper mill (mmmm smells GOOD!) and the nation's supply of nerve gas.

The Little Rock-Pine Bluff market is the 57th largest in the nation. It's not a booming metropolis in 'the corridor' but it's the largest city between Memphis and Dallas and it is fairly metropolitan in attitude.

If Sorkin had a better understanding of where the buckle of the bible belt is, he would have had the entire state of Mississippi boycotting his show. That actually happened with NYPD BLUE. I was living in Jackson, MS at the time and can assure you that not one single ABC station in the state carried a single episode of the first season.

So, what's my point? I'm not a church-going Bible-thumping type myself, but I am a Southern boy who knows respect for the common folk. Mr. Sorkin may find them to be undereducated Red Staters, but I prefer to think of them as 'most folks.'

I also understand that the key to success in television is appealing to a broad audience. Mr. Sorkin is an elitist. Always has been, probably always will be. He looks down his nose at the common folks while making uncommon television. If he doesn't knock it off soon, STUDIO 60 will get the boot in my house.

I don't HAVE to watch the show. I'd like to, but I'm not going to be insulted while doing it.

Heroes: Great Powers, Great Show

"With great powers comes great responsibility." - Stan Lee, Spider-Man

HEROES (Mon 9/8c, NBC) is/are finally among us. I've been looking forward to this show more than any other new show this fall - and for the most part, it delivered.

The pilot episode may have moved a bit too quickly, but overall it was very satisfying. I particularly liked the way the characters are intertwined without realizing it. The script was intelligent, and handled a lot of exposition with ease.

We haven't met all our heroes yet - there are plenty more to come as the series unfolds. I'm looking forward to seeing how the characters choose their paths, good or evil, or somewhere in between.

From 'Super' Hiro to the surprise twist ending, this little show charmed its way right into a Season Pass on the family TiVo.

Talk about great responsibility....

Clock Ticking for JUSTICE & HAPPY HOUR

The bell has begun to toll for HAPPY HOUR and JUSTICE.

FOX is pulling the two shows from the lineup in advance of previously scheduled baseball pre-emptions.

There's also some interesting tinkering going on with the Sunday lineup at FOX. On October 1st, FOX will air bonus episodes (albeit reruns) of 'TIL DEATH leading into and out of THE SIMPSONS. AMERICAN DAD will not air on 10/1.

If the demos show promise for 'TIL DEATH on Sunday, don't be surprised if the show moves there permanently. If HAPPY HOUR is about to be canned, FOX will find it easier to relocate 'TIL DEATH to Sunday and drop in a reality show like TRADING SPOUSES than it would filling a half hour with another sitcom.

Brilliantbutcancelled.com currently shows HAPPY HOUR as the most likely first cancellation of the season (3:1 odds). JUSTICE is currently 56:1.

The January schedule FOX announced last May will most likely be heavily revised.

'Til Death: Vows To Live By

For nine years Brad Garrett played second banana to Ray Romano on the modern classic EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND.

Garrett's character in 'TIL DEATH (Thursday 8/7c FOX) is far removed from Robert Barone. Robert was insecure, jealous of his brother and spent some eight years trying to secure a permanent relationship.

In the character of Eddie Stark, we find the anti-Robert. Eddie's in a committed relationship. He's been married for over 20 years and has grown extremely comfortable with he place in life. This time it's his newlywed neighbors he's trying to keep pace with. And his wife is joining him in the race.

As a sitcom, 'TIL DEATH is clearly not what it is going to become. It has some growing pains to work through. The actors playing the newlyweds aren't particularly strong or memorable. The pilot owed a lot to MARRIED...WITH CHILDREN, and relied way too much on jokes based on the neighbors' last name, Woodcock.

But after three episodes 'TIL DEATH is starting to find its legs. It may never be a great sitcom. It may wind up paired with THE WAR AT HOME should HAPPY HOUR succumb to a justifiable cancellation. But 'TIL DEATH has its moments.

This show is obviously being written by someone who has been married for quite some time. Eddie and Joy have moments of Truth. They interact realistically, comfortably, and with a sense of shared time.

They also have moments of Not Funny, but those are getting less and less frequent.

I'm not giving up on 'TIL DEATH...yet. I see too much of Mrs. Kimosabe and myself in Eddie & Joy. We remember when it was new, too.

Mrs. Kimosabe points out that the house used for the exterior shots of Eddie & Joy's house is the same house that was used for Ray & Debra Barone's. Fitting, isn't it? Like Robert, Brad Garrett may never escape from the long shadow of Ray Barone.

'TIL DEATH, indeed.....

WWAT?: What Was ABC Thinking?

Have you seen the promos for ABC's Thursday night lineup?

No announce.

Music over a clip. Show title. ABC Thursday.

No explanation as to what these shows are, or why I should change my Thursday night viewing habits - just show titles. Pretty weak marketing.

They're expecting people to give up ER because they have a show starring pretty people called SIX DEGREES? Is the show so complicated you can't explain it in thirty seconds? If so, maybe you should have sold it to HBO.

Gonna have to do better than that, ABC.

Jericho: It's a Bomb

JERICHO premiered tonight on CBS.

That's the best thing I have to say about this unfortunate little show.

It never ceases to amaze me how the alleged creative types in BIG TV just don't get it. This show is supposed to be the CBS version of LOST - but it's bulky, flat, derivative, predictable - and very badly written. Hmm, I guess it IS the CBS version of LOST.

This show is living proof that the Suits in BIG TV are more comfortable copying than creating. It's a knockoff, knocked off by people who can't possibly understand what makes LOST work.

This show is sloppy - a sheriff who can't tell the difference between a school bus and a prison bus? Please.

There were a couple of other moments that made me wish I was watching BONES, but I'd rather get on with life.

Congrats, CBS - you've launched yet another crappy show!

What I Watch: 2006

I like TV. Have I mentioned that? I mean, I really like TV. A 23 episode season of a good drama contains so many more memorbale moments with well drawn characters and way more emotion than your average two hour blockbuster.

Good TV is not as rare as it used to be. There is some incredibly good stuff going on out there. And I am addicted. Twenty years in the local TV biz may be to blame, but I don't care. I like it.

I probably watch more TV than most folks. Some nights, scheduling it all takes a little 21st century technology. And hence, my viewing schedule:

MONDAY (all times Central)
7p PRISON BREAK - see my recent review
8p HEROES - hoping it's as good as advertised
9p STUDIO 60 - watching it live and in Hi-Def
11p VANISHED (West Coast Tivo)

TUESDAY
7p GILMORE GIRLS
8p STANDOFF
9p HOUSE (TiVo'd at 7p)

WEDNESDAY
7p BONES
8p LOST
9p THE NINE

THURSDAY
7p TIL DEATH - still haven't made up my mind
8p THE O.C. - haven't given up yet
9p ER - not giving up til they do
11p GREY'S ANATOMY (West Coast TiVo)
12a SIX DEGREES (West Coast TiVo - maybe)

FRIDAY
TiVo catch up/Netflix night

SATURDAY
TiVo catch up/Netflix night

SUNDAY
7p SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - High Def!
10p THE SIMPSONS/AMERICAN DAD (TiVo'd at 7)
11p FAMILY GUY/WAR AT HOME (TiVo'd at 8)

Studio 60: Good Watchin'!

I'm not a big Aaron Sorkin fan. I didn't care much for SPORTS NIGHT and I found THE WEST WING to be more soap box than TV show.

But STUDIO 60 is good. Very, very good.

Sorkin's going to be skewering a few personal demons on this one. He's obviously drawing characters from some of the idiots in suits he's had to deal with at the networks over the years. But all the skewering isn't of other people. There's a character with a drug problem that's interfering with his ability to work - a situation Sorkin knows about firsthand. Kudos to him for being brave enough to include it in the collage.

And this show is quite a collage. There's an evangelical Christian - whom I hope Sorkin will be treating with great respect (it is possible to be smart, competent and evangelical) Matthew Perry's character spent the pilot high on Vicodin - something Perry knows of firsthand. Kudos to him as well.

These characters ring true. From Steven Weber's take no crap, take no chances network exec, to Timothy Busfield's director - you know, deep down, Sorkin knows these people.

The show is beautiful in high def. The camera moves well, but not unnecessarily - and the use of color is wonderful. At one point, I caught a few stray hairs on Amanda Peet's pretty head catching a bit of light from her backlight. There's no way they were visible in standard def.

Ah, but that's another post.

For now, STUDIO 60's season pass is locked in. As long as Sorkin continues to skewer the big business of TV, I'll be along for the ride.

Prison Break: Life on the Run

PRISON BREAK (Monday 8/7c FOX) was a fun guilty pleasure for me last year. It was incredibly convoluted, but a wonderfully goofy time - and a very good companion piece for '24.'

After an entire year of wondering what in the world the producers were going to come up with to keep things going once the boys escaped, they have delivered.

This year, PRISON BREAK has erupted across the wide open plains of America, free from the confines of Fox Run Penitentiary. The multiple storylines help a great deal - the chance that they will all intersect at some point is pretty much a given.

It's nice to see the boys getting a little sunshine now that the production has moved to Dallas. The show overall is now brighter, more colorful than the dreary grays of Fox Run, and there's an infusion of energy from car chases, hot pursuits and explosions that was impossible in Season One.

I am guaranteed a loud chuckle at some point in every episode. This week, there were two. One when Burrows dragged T-Bag out of the trunk of the car and T banged his head lid. No way that one was scripted. (Poor Robert Knepper - he's drawn such a completely nasty character in T-Bag that he may very well be doomed to play characters like him for the rest of his career.)

The second outburst cam as the camera boomed high into the sky as the boys crested the hill to discover a residential development where their buried treasure is supposed to be.

Incredible. As in not credible. But I'm OK with that.

There's no way you're getting me to delete the Season Pass on this one.

Justice: Guilty

Guilty.

JUSTICE (Wed 9/8c on FOX) feels like a redress of last summer's Jerry Bruckheimer project, THE JURY. A loud, mindless knockoff of Law & Order, minus the soul.

Like THE JURY, JUSTICE features no likeable characters, nor a moral center. Dr. House isn't a nice guy, but somehow we're on his side, pulling for him - because he's saving lives. The lawyers of JUSTICE don't care about their clients. All they care about is winning. And that makes them losers.

Mrs. Kemosabe is quick to point out that the sheer volume of forensics based TV shows and novels have armed potential viewers with a better understanding of the process than Bruckheimer.

The pilot featured a suspected murder that would have been revealed as an accidental death in the first ten minutes of BONES.

The characters in JUSTICE are burdened with so much exposition and have to over explain the details of things like jury research that very little character remains. They're just generic lawyers.

It seems odd to me that critics are labeling VANISHED as a show that feels like it was cut and pasted together. JUSTICE is the guilty party.

Time to cancel the season pass. I have more important things to do with my time. Like watching LOST.

Standoff: Season Pass!

I thoroughly enjoyed the first episode of STANDOFF. (FOX Tuesdays 9/8c)

For starters, the show features three great performers - the lovely and strong Gina Torres (Zoe on FIREFLY & Jasmine on ANGEL), Michael Cudlitz (Bull on BAND OF BROTHERS) and the incomparable Ron Livingston (OFFICE SPACE and also BAND OF BROTHERS).

The characters, and their relationships, have history. The dialogue is crisp. There's a sense of depth that comes from more than expository dialogue.

These great actors know how to read the lines on the page. Each had a moment in which you could actually see and hear their character thinking while they spoke. As if they didn't really know the words they were about to speak - you know - the way people really talk.

If this show were populated by the kind of actors you get on, say a CBS drama, those nuances would have been absent.

Is STANDOFF 'important television?' Probably not. But it's good enough to get a season pass on my TiVo.